


Close Your Eyes, Darling

by one_black_coffee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hair Washing, M/M, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, but like, just fluff, what is canon?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29481732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_black_coffee/pseuds/one_black_coffee
Summary: Remus never was much of a fan of water. He wouldn’t call it anything like a fear, simply an aversion. He enjoyed warm showers once he was in them, happy to let the water warm him until his skin turned red and felt like it could peel off. He’d even occasionally let Sirius pull him out into the rain, ignoring the water dripping down his face and making his curls lay flat against his head.But when Sirius tired of the rain and dragged them inside or when it came time to washing his face, the droplets of water clinging to his eyelashes and forcing his eyes shut until he could find a towel with which to dry his face, Remus believed he could be just fine without water in his life.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 29





	Close Your Eyes, Darling

Remus never was much of a fan of water. He wouldn’t call it anything like a fear, simply an aversion. He enjoyed warm showers once he was in them, happy to let the water warm him until his skin turned red and felt like it could peel off. He’d even occasionally let Sirius pull him out into the rain, ignoring the water dripping down his face and making his curls lay flat against his head.

But when Sirius tired of the rain and dragged them inside or when it came time to washing his face, the droplets of water clinging to his eyelashes and forcing his eyes shut until he could find a towel with which to dry his face, Remus believed he could be just fine without water in his life. 

The irrational fear of someone being in the room, about to attack him, while he was stupid enough to close his eyes and allow for that sort of vulnerability was one that followed him around. He would force himself to move slowly, take his time to wipe off the water, just to prove that those fears were ridiculous. That didn’t mean his heart didn’t pound and he didn’t start shaking, terrified by every little noise. So, he took generally brisk showers--- those that weren’t ten minutes or fewer often found Sirius at fault for the extended time--- and he indulged his boyfriend in dancing in the rain  _ only _ to see the smile that graced Sirius’ face.

After having graduated and moved into a flat he and Sirius shared, the fear had both eased and spiked. While it was far less likely that anyone but Sirius would wander into the bathroom while Remus had his eyes shut, living in a one bedroom flat with only one other person allowed for times where he would be completely alone. Logically, that should put him at even more ease. Not even his clingy, ever-in-need-of-kisses boyfriend could surprise him with his presence. However, Remus’ mind only pointed out that being completely alone meant anyone could break in, unheard, and attack  _ because  _ Sirius wasn’t there to protect him.

He’d never admit that to Sirius.

(But Sirius knew it anyway.)

That didn’t mean, though, that Remus wouldn’t take advantage of finally having an entire space to himself. With Sirius out--- most likely with James and Lily--- Remus found himself slipping into thoughts with which he had no intentions of dealing, especially while Sirius was away. So, he pulled on the fluffiest socks he could find, the biggest sweater, and sat himself down in front of the television. Warm, fuzzy socks with kittens that Sirius had given him as a birthday gift certainly would hold all the painful thoughts at bay, and the even warmer, fuzzier sweater with which Lily had surprised him for Christmas would amount even more time of Not Thinking.

Surely. That’s what he kept telling himself.

He did a fair job of keeping his mind from wandering to subjects he didn’t want to consult unless he was sure Sirius would be home soon. Until the TV, a very old thing that Sirius dragged into the flat one day while refusing to give an explanation, turned to static and then black. Remus was left alone with himself and the moon and a phone he couldn’t bring himself to check--- either he would find messages from his loving Sirius, subtly asking how he was doing, or he’d find spams of James not so subtly trying to convince him to come out with them; he was unsure which would he would rather see.

Unable to stomach the thought of sitting in the flat he had finally come to think of as a second home--- his first would  _ always _ be Sirius--- while the sickening, silver light of the moon played with the curtains and taunted him, Remus pushed himself up from the sofa and to the bathroom. He grabbed his phone from the kitchen counter on his way.

He didn’t bother turning on the overhead light, nor the fan like he usually did when he entered the cramped space. Instead, he made directly for the shower, turning the knob until the water came out hot enough to burn his skin even more than his scars did. He closed the blinds firmly, not wanting a bit of the moonlight to seep into the room, and briefly left the bathroom to flick on the light right outside. It was too dark to sit with all the lights off but he didn’t want the room any brighter than what the hallway light would allow. Then, fully clothed, he stepped into the shower and immediately sank to the floor.

His phone had been left on the windowsill and he had taken just enough time to empty his pockets onto the windowsill as well--- all he carried with him on most days was a few bits of change, some buttons, and a stick of gum.

With his back pressed against the wall of the tiny shower, Remus was left facing the shower head. The water forced his eyes shut, just like always, and Remus couldn’t find the energy to have any physical reactions. His mind dizzied itself, begging any other parts of his body to react and save himself from the non-existent intruder, but he sat still with his legs folded against his chest and his arms cradled between his legs and chest. Water soaked through his clothing, dampening the heat just a little. He focused on the burning water, adamantly denying entry to any thoughts outside of the burning heat scorching away the vmeon of his scars.

It wasn’t long before all sense of time or being completely melted away from Remus. His skin was so raw from the water he could barely even feel it anymore, much less his clothing. The wetness on his face, dragging down his eyelashes seemed inconsequential. Distant parts of his mind still screamed about intruders and untimely demises, but he no longer could even care. He kept his eyes closed, tears mingling with the water from the shower freely. He felt certain something would go horribly wrong and he would be left lifeless; this didn’t bother him as much as it should have. He didn’t trust the world around him, he didn’t trust himself. The thought of it all finally having a concrete conclusion was… far from comforting, yet the most reliable thought he’d had in some time.

When Sirius unlocked the front door to find the lights turned off and Remus nowhere in sight, he was instantly worried. The sound of the running shower did nothing to ease his mind. “Hey, Moons! I’m home!” He called, knowing he wouldn’t get a response.

Sirius tossed his wallet, keys, and phone onto the counter after locking the front door, then headed towards the bathroom. He knocked on the open door first, in case Remus hadn’t heard his greeting, he didn’t want to scare Remus. “Can I come in?”

Usually, Sirius invited himself in. Remus never complained about that so Sirius never really asked. More often than not, Remus would bitch about his presence with a poorly suppressed grin and eventually give in to Sirius’ wims. But that was when Remus had the lights on and his music playing the background. Sirius heard no music and saw only the hall light. That wasn’t entirely unusual. Sirius was used to coming home to find Remus in the shower, just… coping with existence. He left Remus to his showers and would gently offer a steady hand later, when Remus was dry and searching for affection.

But Sirius… wasn’t sure  _ why _ he asked if he could join Remus that time. Maybe it was in part due to spending the evening with their two best friends but not with Remus. Maybe it was because he  _ missed  _ seeing his Remus throwing straw rappers at James and then blaming it on Sirius, missed Remus leaving the flat for more than just class and work. They still spent time together, time that they both valued above all else, but Sirius wanted so desperately to see the mischievous part of Remus that inevitably planned pranks with Lily at the expense of their partners. He loved Remus whole-heartedly and he missed him even more.

So when Remus stuck his head out from behind the showercurtain and nodded, Sirius toed off his shoes, placed his many rings on the windowsill beside Remus’ phone, buttons, and gum, and stepped into the shower.

“How long have you been in here?” Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged. “Lost track of time a while ago.”

Sirius nodded and sank down to the shower floor. The shower was cramped enough when they were both standing, even worse when they were both sitting. Remus’ knees, pulled as close to himself as they were, still managed to dig into Sirius’ side, and Sirius’ elbows dug into Remus’. Neither of them mentioned it. Sirius stuck his head directly into the water, wincing slightly at the heat. He let it seep into his hair, slicking it back and darkening it even more. Remus watched him, mesmerized by the pure beauty of his boyfriend.

Sirius still had on a pair of jeans and a tightly fitted shirt that covered his arms but ran low enough to expose his collar bones. Any other time and Remus would have lost his mind at that image. But he kept watching Sirius’ face as he scooped water onto it, smudging his carefully drawn on eyeliner.

Sirius noticed his gaze and turned to smirk at him. “Like what you see?”

“Eh,” Was all Remus had to say in response.

“Liar,” Sirius said, running his fingers through his hair to make sure the water had thoroughly run through it. Satisfied, he looked back at Remus with a hesitant smile. Remus tried to smile back. Based on Sirius’ cringe, he assumed it didn’t work. 

He leaned his head back against the tiled wall, aware of the way Sirius was watching him. Sirius’ body pressed against his was more than comforting. He was safe. Sirius was back so he was safe.

“Can you move?” Sirius asked.

Remus considered this. Could he? Yes. Was he willing to move anywhere outside of the shower? Absolutely not. “ I can. Doesn’t mean I want to,” He answered.

“Mm, I think you do. Come on.” Sirius lightly pulled on Remus’ arm, pulling him forward until he was no longer leaning back against the wall.

Very displeased with the movement, Remus glared at Sirius and asked, “What in the literal fuck are you doing right now?”

Sirius just shuffled his way behind Remus so his back was pressed where Remus’ was moments before, hand still locked with Remus’. Then, he pulled Remus back against him, giving him time to pull away if anything he had done was crossing a line. Remus didn’t and Sirius pressed a kiss to his temple. “I’m washing your hair, obviously.”

Remus sank back against Sirius’ chest, finding immense comfort in the steady rise and fall. Sirius continued to press feather-light kisses against Remus’ skin as he ran his fingers through Remus’ curls, cupping water to pour over his hair now and then. Highly aware of Remus’ aversion to getting his face wet, he was especially careful to make sure none of the water slipped down his face--- Remus almost laughed at the absurdity of that; the shower continuously sprawled their faces yet Sirius took time to ensure  _ he _ didn’t get water on Remus’ face.

“I’m using my special shampoo and conditioner on your hair so you’ll smell like strawberries and mango,” Sirius whispered, gently rubbing the shampoo into Remus’ hair. Remus hummed in response, too caught up in the feeling of Sirius behind him and Sirius’ hands in his hair to form any words. “Strawberries and mango used to be my favorite smells in the world, Moony. Then you came along and changed all that, you git.” His tone was light, teasing. Remus couldn’t help the tiny smile that tugged at the corner of his lips. “Now, strawberries are okay, and mango is nice, I guess. They remind me of the good times as a kid. But they aren’t the smell of chocolate and ink and that stale vodka you drink. It’s ridiculous, it really is. Who the fuck smells like chocolate and ink and  _ stale vodka _ but you? No one, Remus, because it’s bloody ridiculous.”

Remus chuckled lowly, happy to listen to Sirius call him anything he pleased as long as he  _ kept playing with his hair.  _ “You love it, asshole.”

Sirius placed a kiss right below Remus’ jaw, lingering just long enough to feel the tiny shiver make its way through Remus. That was something Sirius was certain he could feel time and time again and never get tired of it. Having so much control over the boy who needed control all the time and being  _ given that control willingly _ ? It made him lightheaded with emotions on numerous occasions.

“Can you stand? It might be difficult to wash out the shampoo while we’re sitting down.”

Remus nodded and let himself be pulled up to stand under the showerhead with Sirius. The water was hotter closer to the top but neither made a move to change the setting. Remus just wrapped his arms around Sirius’ waist. Sirius could do whatever he wanted to Remus’ hair as long as he allowed Remus to stay pressed against him. Which, of course, he did. More than happily.

Sirius leaned closer and whispered, “Close your eyes, darling. Don’t want any soap getting them.”

Remus closed his eyes, leaning fully into Sirius, trusting his entire being to be kept safe. Cared for, even.  _ Loved. _

Sirius combed out the shampoo with his fingers, trying his best to not snag any of his curls as he did so. Remus never complained. He looped his fingers through the belt loops on Sirius’ pants to keep himself as close as possible.

The process was repeated with the conditioner. Sirius rubbed it into Remus’ scalp while Remus leaned his forehead against Sirius’ shoulder. When Sirius made a shitty sex joke, Remus laughed against him. When Sirius slipped his hand under Remus’ soaked sweater to rub circles into his hip while he waited to wash the conditioner out of his hair, Remus shivered again.

“You know I think you’re pretty, don’t you, Re?”

Remus faltered for a moment. Sirius told him numerous times a day and yet Remus still had trouble believing him. “...I know, Pads.”

“‘Cause you are. Gorgeous.” Sirius tilted Remus’ head back again, running his fingers through his hair once more to wash out the conditioner. If his fingers slowed to a sluggish pace, his brain too preoccupied with shamelessly staring at Remus to move them any faster, Remus had the decency to stay quiet on the subject.

“That’s kinda gay, mate.”

“You’re kinda gay, mate.”

“So are you.”

Sirius agreed, placing kisses along the scars on Remus’ neck until he was laughing and struggling in Sirius’ arms. “Ticklish, are we?”

Remus shoved his face away but kept his arms wrapped around Sirius’ neck. “Shut up, you know I am. Just finish washing my hair, will you? My fingers are getting all wrinkled and I’d like to go to bed.”

“Demanding.” Sirius returned to actually washing out the remaining conditioner. Then, sure he had rinsed it all out, he turned off the water and grabbed a towel from the rack for each of them.

Remus wrung out his clothing as best as possible, hanging each item on the shower rod to dry before wrapping the towel around himself. Sirius just sprinted to the bedroom, leaving a trail of water behind him.

After the floor had been spelled dry and both Sirius and Remus had replaced their clothing with pajamas, they curled up under the covers of their shared bed. Remus, with his arm draped over Sirius’ hip, breathing gently against the back of Sirius’ neck, and Sirius, happily pressed back against Remus’ chest.

“Love?”

“Pads?”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Remus nuzzled his nose against the back of Sirius’ neck:  _ not really, but it’s okay. _

Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand. “Okay, Moony.”

They went quiet after that. Neither fully fell asleep, but they both fell towards that state quickly. Being wrapped up in each other’s arm often had that effect on the two.

“Hey, Remus?”

“Yes, Sirius?”

“I love you.”

Remus smiled, pulling Sirius back against him more and kissing his neck softly. “I love you too, darling.”


End file.
